oh my god wowowow what even is going on right now?? life has been so !!!! lately. so much has been happening all at once. i'm tweaking and i'm stressing and i'm hyperfixating and i'm ovulating. if this were the victorian era they would've thrown my ass in an insane asylum already.

many things from the past are back haunting me like annoying fuckass ghosts. one of which is my weiiiird icky crush ew ew ew ew gross gross .... there's a friend of mine i sort of have feelings for that i refuse to think too much about. having a crush is so CRINGE!!! and i dont even know if i can really call this a crush bc i cannot for the life of me imagine us dating, and one time he said something that kindof implied he liked me and i got the most diabolical ick of my life. but then im all giggly and stupid around him. like genuinely wtf is this. how do i uninstall this. i hadn't thought about it in a while but recently he went on a date w someone for the first time and i felt really happy for him but also strange. idk. and then he had the gall to show up in my dream. wow real mature of you white boy. my theory is that i'm not attracted to him romantically, but i really like him platonically and he also happens to be very pretty. and so i get confused. i think thats whats going on. my very wise horse wizard friend says that it's not necessary to rationalize every single feeling we have. sometimes we just be feeling shit for no reason and it makes no sense to try to make sense of it. She also gave me a tarot reading and not even the cards knew whats up.. so yeah im done trying to figure this one out.....

I AM FALLING BEHIND ACADEMICALLY!!! AND I'M SCARED!!!!!!!!! I really really don't want to fall behind. I always do and I don't know why. It's like i actively sabotage myself. If im not arriving late to all my classes, I'm procrastinating on studying for my exams. I'm procrastinating right now by writing this blog instead of reading about intonation for my phonetics midterm. I already got dropped from a class for being late to an exam and I was really bummed about it. then i realized that i have free will so i got drunk on cheap white wine and spent the night reading fanfiction and watching movies. but I'm still bummed about it. I want to be better than this but i dont know how. Every time I start doing really well and then i crash. But this time it feels different because I'm refusing to give up and I've realized that's not what usually happens. I really wanna fight this time. I will NOT lose against my own brain. My soul is bright and beautiful and its essence will not be suppressed by this meat cage run by the pile of grey slop that doesn't produce the correct amount of chemicals to function correctly.

IN OTHER NEWS.. I fucked myself so bad. I asked the monkey's paw to bring back my motivation to draw and get me out of the most horrendous artblock of my life.... and the monkey's paw curled its wretched finger and said "Granted!! cringest hyperfixation of your life is back." god fucking damn it goddamn fuck. as if i didn't have enough on my plate already now i gotta be obsessing over something STUPID at my big age. God heard me laughing at my 13 y/o self a little too loud and made me become exactly like her again at age 20. But i'm at peace with it lowkey. When i was younger i used to be soooo embarrassed about my hyperfixations and so scared of being seen as cringe. now idgaf. whatever. I will be cringe and evil about it. if there is one thing that will bring me joy during this trip through hell i will welcome it with open arms.

I'M GONNA GO STUDY FOR MY MIDTERMS!!!!!!!!! THIS WORLD NEEDS A BEAUTIFUL SEXY TALENTED TRANSLATOR OBSESSED WITH PINK AND IT'S GONNA BE ME!!!!!!